My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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