I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
