so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
