That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
