Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
