he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
