That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
