The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
