I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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