I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize