I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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