so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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