My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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