The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
