i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
