it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
