12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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