Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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