im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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