before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
