shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just found puke in my bra..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
