god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
