blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
