He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
