did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
