I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
