And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
