If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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