3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
