i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
