The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
