When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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