Swine flu. Run for my life!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
