Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
