Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
