im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
