She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
