So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
