Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize