yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
