you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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