Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
