Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
