My liver just broke up with me...
her vagine was all disorganized.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
