I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
