Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
