we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you never un-have a 4some
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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