I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
