i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
