I am puke
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
