Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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