after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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