I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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