Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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