no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
