The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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