It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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