my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
