She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
