I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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