Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
