who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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